Song of Solomon / Conflict
If you’re new with us, it has been a dicey couple of weeks, so the good news is there are no parental disclaimers tonight, no red faces, and no embarrassment. I’m not going to say things that make you look back and go, “Can you actually say that at church?” So, none of that tonight. We’re going to get into something a little bit different, but maybe just as difficult to handle, and that’s the issue of conflict.
The Moment
Many of you, if you can remember back to the time when you were engaged, experienced what I like to call “The Moment.” It’s the moment every engaged couple experiences when they’re in that engagement bliss. Everything is great, life is half-full at every turn, and there’s a silver lining in every cloud. I mean, everything is like, “We can make it because we have love on our side.” So regardless of what happens, we’re going to be great.
And then they get married. Everything is fantastic for about two hours, and then the moment happens. He says something stupid. I mean stupid. Like, “I never did like your mother,” or something equally dumb. It comes out, and as it’s coming out, in his mind he’s thinking, “No!” and he’s trying to grab the words back. Or she does something stupid that just shouldn’t be done. Then all of a sudden, you have that moment where he looks at her and she looks at him and goes, “What? Did you just say what I think you said?”
Then all of a sudden, you put up your dukes and the first fight in the marriage happens. For some people, it happens longer after the wedding day than others. But when it happens—and it’s not if but when—it’s going to happen. And when it does, it can be either really healthy or really miserable depending on whether you’ve learned how to handle conflict.
Can I just break your heart for all of you single folks that are listening? You’re going to fight when you get married. I hate to disappoint you. I know the lie that is sold is, “Man, if I could just get married, then everything will be great.” Granted, marriage is fantastic. It can be good and get better over time. But truthfully, there are going to come points in your marriage where you will have to learn how to conflict.
I was thinking about this the other day. With conflict, we do one of a couple of things. One is we either deny it desperately, hide it, and fake like it’s not there. We just learn to live with it but never deal with the issues. Or, we get help. It’s interesting to me the people who try to hide it, as if you can. Have you ever hung out with those people? They just got through fighting, but when they see you, they’re like, “Hey! How are you? You look great!” They were just yelling at each other in the car, but now everything’s great.
You’re having a casual conversation about what appetizer you want at the restaurant, and he goes, “Hey, let’s do that. Because you know I don’t like fish.” All of a sudden, there it is. You see a face on her that you’ve never seen before because you can’t hide it. When you have conflict in a marriage that you’re not dealing with, you can’t keep shoving it in the closet because the odor will begin to come out and it becomes evident to all.
What’s interesting is how many people never deal with it. They never figure out how to conflict with health. They just assume that if they have it, it’s unhealthy. I want to show you from the Song of Solomon what healthy conflict can look like.
I was driving down the street the other day—this was a while back actually—and I pulled up beside a vehicle at a stoplight. You can learn a lot about people at a stoplight. People who scratch, people who pick, and everything in between. I’m kind of a gazer, so I’m checking people out. I look over and I saw something that literally stopped me in my tracks. This girl is sitting in the passenger seat with her arms crossed, looking so mad. I thought, “Man, I don’t want to be in that car with her.”
Then I saw him, and he’s yelling at the top of his lungs. He’s not even really looking at her; he’s just yelling and glancing over, then looking back. She’s just sitting there. I’m watching this scene go down thinking, “Whoa, he’s going to hit her or she’s going to hit him or something is going to happen.” And in the back seat were two little kids.
I just thought, “Golly, we’ve got to deal with this issue.” Because if we don’t, guess what happens? You pass on the sins of the fathers to the next generation. Little Joey becomes just like you. If we are hotheads yelling at our wives, we’re going to raise hotheads who yell at their wives. It’s time we deal with the issue.
The Context of Conflict
I’d love for you to turn, if you can, to Song of Solomon chapter five. One of the things I love about this book is the candor in which it deals with issues, but also the nuance. For example, look at the context of the conflict. In chapter five, verse one, God speaks. This is the only time in the book you see God the Father speak, and He says, “Eat, friends; drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers.” He cheers on the couple after an incredible honeymoon night of consummating their union.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 5:1]
You would assume that the least likely moment for a couple to fight would be immediately after great sex on the honeymoon night. You would assume that time together would pay it forward at least long enough that they wouldn’t have this kind of conflict. But sure enough, immediately after the honeymoon night, conflict comes.
The other thing I appreciate is the law of proportion. If you read through the Gospels, the final Passion Week of the life of Christ gets the lion’s share of the text. Why? Because that’s what is most important; it all culminates at the cross. If you look at that same concept in the Song of Solomon, you get more verses on conflict than any other topic. Whether it’s attraction, dating, courtship, the honeymoon night, or intimacy—even deepening in the relationship doesn’t get as much press as conflict.
We find them here in verse two, beginning to show us this scene. You’re going to see this conflict spark up. That’s really what conflict is: a flashpoint in a marriage that just pops up. When you see that spark in your marriage—and you’ve all seen them—you’ve got two buckets in your hand and a choice to make right there, right now. You’ve got a bucket of gas and a bucket of water. Which bucket you choose to use in that moment is going to dictate how your evening goes. Amen? You can throw gas on that thing, blow it up, and have a barn-burner right there. Or you can take the water, put that thing out, and abandon the quarrel before it breaks out.
Reacting vs. Responding
Let’s look at the scenario in verse two. She is sleeping, but her heart is awake. She hears a voice.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 5:2]
The scenario is that she’s already gone to bed. We don’t know where he was, but he’s coming in the middle of the night, knocking on the door and wanting to visit her. You get the idea that she’s not real welcoming to this knock, but notice his language. His language is very inviting, enticing, and sweet. It’s like he’s shaking his wife, “Hey, are you awake? Hey, are you awake?” Typical guy—he starts tickling her back, asking, “What do you think?”
But look at verse three. She says, “I have taken off my dress; how can I put it on again? I have washed my feet; how can I dirty them again?”
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 5:3]
In our day, she’d say, “Look, I’ve got a headache, I don’t want to get out of bed, and it’s cold. My feet will get cold on the floor, I don’t have a robe that’s warm enough, and I don’t want to come to the door. What are you doing knocking at this time of night?” And so the flash comes. The spark arrives. Now, how will they handle this?
He has a choice in the moment: either react in the flesh or respond under the influence of the Holy Spirit. He could pour gas on it or water on it. He could say to her, “Look woman, you better open that door!” and start rattling the handle. She could fire back at him, and he could fire back at her. This thing could explode right here. They could start using language like, “You always,” and “You never.” “I’m sick and tired of you doing this and that! Open that door!”
They could go there. They could react. If you’ve ever reacted in a conflict, you’ve recognized the same thing I’ve recognized, because I’ve done it as well. When I react in the midst of conflict, it’s usually driven by the flesh and motivated by anger and pride. Have you ever found yourself there? All of a sudden, you launch into this tirade, and then you look around and go, “Oh… how did I get here? This isn’t healthy.”
Proverbs 27:4 (NASB)
Wrath is fierce and anger is a flood, But who can stand before jealousy?
James says that the anger of man never accomplishes the righteousness of God. You’ve probably experienced it too; very seldom, if ever, have I said something in anger and then looked back and thought, “Wow, that was really good. God must be really pleased with what I just said.” Usually, it’s quite the opposite.
The Danger of Reaction
There are dangers if you react—if you allow the first instinct that comes to your mind to be the thing that comes out of your mouth. In Ephesians 4, Paul warns us to be angry but not sin.
Ephesians 4:26 (NASB)
BE ANGRY, AND [yet] DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger,
The first danger with reacting is that it’s hard to be angry and not sin. The difficulty with sinning, of course, is that once you sin, the issue becomes you, not the original conflict. I remember a guy came to me once—a godly dude—and he was looking for a girl. I knew a godly girl and thought, “Hey, why don’t you guys hang out?” This would be great. (Never again will I play matchmaker.)
This guy made a bad decision with this girl, pushed the relationship farther than he should have physically, and I found out about it. I had a conversation with him, and he tried to blame her, then he tried to blame his family, and he tried to blame everybody but himself. I got so angry I cussed him and called him a name. I was so mad. Well, guess what the issue was at that point? It wasn’t him anymore. The issue was me. Because in my anger I sinned, my sin became the focal point of the conversation, and we could no longer have a good conversation about the issue at hand. In a marriage, when you react in anger and you sin, the issue becomes you, not the focal point of the conflict.
The second problem with reacting is that you lose perspective. Have you ever noticed that when you react, the language turns to very unhealthy, polarizing words? “You always,” “You never,” “Every time you do this.” I kind of want to go, “Okay, really? Every time? Every single time I do that?” It just gets unhealthy. It also becomes accusatory. “I’m tired of the way you…” fill in the blank.
It becomes finger-pointing. The natural reaction when someone is attacked is to get defensive, so there’s no motivation to seek oneness at that point. At that point, it’s on. You’re in battle mode. When I was in college, I hung around with tons of unsavory characters, and it was inevitable that I’d end up in a fight. I think it was all my friends’ fault, clearly. But you always had to be mindful, because there was always that little guy with a bottle behind his back, waiting for you to look away so he could sucker punch you.
In conflict, when you react in anger and attack your spouse, they’re going into battle mode. It’s fight or flight. I’m just not convinced that’s what God intended for a marriage—that you should push that woman or that man to the degree where they’re looking around waiting to get sucker punched. That’s not the oneness God intended.
Proverbs 18:19 (NASB)
A brother offended [is harder to be won] than a strong city, And contentions are like the bars of a citadel.
You begin to attack your spouse, and you find yourself besieging them like you’re trying to sack a city. You’ll say things in anger because when you bow up, they bow up. And I promise you, once you say it, you’ve said it. You can apologize from now until Jesus comes, you can crawl for miles on your hands and knees through busted glass as penance, and they can even say, “I forgive you,” but that wound is irreparable. Once you’ve blown up on your spouse, there is shrapnel and scar tissue from words spoken in anger.
I just wonder: what do we expect? Is the intent that you’re going to raise your voice and bow up at your wife and say, “You always and you never,” and she’s going to go, “You know what? You’re totally right. My bad. I didn’t even notice until you clenched your jaw like that. Thank you for bringing that up”? It’s just not going to happen like that.
Proverbs 12:18 (NASB)
There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing.
The Choice to Respond
There’s another way. Instead of reacting, we have to teach ourselves how to respond. To respond is to be driven by the Spirit. To respond is to see the flashpoint of conflict and say, “Alright Lord, this is the issue, and I’ve got an opportunity to blow it up or put it out. God, would you give me the strength to live like You want me to live?”
As soon as you defer to the Spirit of God and not your flesh, the fruit of the Spirit begins to show: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I have never had a fight with my wife that continued to get more escalated because I was being peaceful, gracious, loving, or kind. When I allow God to live through me in my conflict, it’s like pouring water on a flame. It just goes away.
There’s a guy named Tom Nelson who wrote a book called The Book of Romance. He talked about how these flashpoints are like playing tennis. You lob one over, and the other person has a choice to smack it back. What ends up happening is you volley back and forth: “Oh yeah? Get some of that!” and “Oh yeah? How about this?” Next thing you know, you’ve got this back-and-forth thing going, and it’s not healthy. You’re trying to win. You’re trying to shove it down their throat.
He says, imagine a tennis match where the spouse wants to pick a fight and they lob one over, and you just stand there and let it hit the fence. So they get really mad and lob another one with a little heat on it, and you just let it hit the fence. At some point, they’re going to get a little embarrassed that they’re continually trying to pick a fight with a person who doesn’t want to quarrel.
Responding preserves oneness. It also allows God to work on your spouse. In Romans, Paul says never take your own revenge, but leave room for the wrath of God.
Romans 12:19 (NASB)
Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath [of God], for it is written, ‘VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,’ says the Lord.
If you try to conduct conflict in such a way as to prove they’re wrong and you’re right, you leave God no opportunity to minister to your spouse. God has a very unique way of getting to the heart of the matter if you’ll let Him be God instead of trying to be God yourself. By responding, you allow Him to shape their heart.
The Fragrance of Remembrance
Let’s watch how this guy in the Song of Solomon responds. He’s knocked on the door, he’s locked out, and she said, “No, I’m tired.” He doesn’t yell. He doesn’t react in anger. He simply responds and gently goes away. Because of that, verse four says her feelings were aroused for him. The only thing that gets aroused when you react in anger is more anger. This is a different kind of arousal.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 5:4-5]
Her hands dripped with myrrh. Myrrh was used throughout the book as a symbol of their intimacy and their wedding. In a sense, what he has done is he has allowed this myrrh to be something nostalgic that takes her all the way back to the track record of faithfulness this guy has shown her. It’s a fragrance of remembrance. She remembers his track record, the images of their courtship, and their honeymoon. She is drawn to who he is.
So she begins to search for him. She’s having this dream episode where she’s wandering the city, calling for him, but he doesn’t answer. She runs into the watchmen, and they strike her and wound her. It’s a poetic way of showing what happens when you choose to respond and not react. When you respond, you allow God to do the work. She gets proverbially convicted and confronted by God, not by her man. She’s feeling the discipline of God in her life because of the separation she caused in her marriage.
Psalms 32:3-4 (NASB)
When I kept silent [about my sin], my body wasted away Through my groaning all day long. For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me; My vitality was drained away [as] with the fever heat of summer. Selah.
I want you to notice how teachable this woman is. This goes back to making sure you marry the right type of person. You’ve got to find someone who will submit to the Word of God, or they won’t be quick to apologize or seek reconciliation. This woman does. She tells her friends, “If you find my beloved, tell him I am lovesick.”
In the midst of this conflict, notice how she speaks of her man. In verses 10 through 16, she describes him as dazzling, outstanding, and wholly desirable.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 5:10-16]
Ladies, was the last time your man did something stupid this affirming? When we are given to the flesh, this doesn’t come out. But this woman is responding to godly leadership. She says, “This is my beloved and this is my friend.” Notice the security she feels. There’s no fear of divorce or that he won’t accept her apology. She knows that regardless of the conflict, this is her best friend and her confidant.
The Beauty of Reconciliation
In chapter six, she moves to reconcile. She pursues him, which is how it ought to be. It’s interesting how we play these coy little games when conflict arises. “I’m not going to apologize to him; he needs to apologize to me.” And he’s saying, “I’m not apologizing to her.” You both fold your arms like a bunch of junior high kids eating a pizza pocket, dead set on not making the first move.
Well, congratulations, you’re going to have an unhealthy marriage. Until you consider one another as more important than yourself, until you consider the oneness of your marriage as the top priority before God, you can stay in your little foxholes like the Hatfields and McCoys and lob hate at each other. Or, you can humble yourself. The most powerful words you can ever say in a marriage are, “I’m sorry. That was my bad.”
She goes to find him in the garden. She knows exactly where he is because he’s a man of character.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 6:1-3]
She goes to meet him, and he sees her coming. He can tell by the look on her face that she’s not coming angry; she’s coming with an apology. Notice his reaction.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 6:4]
He is overwhelmed by her move to reconcile. He doesn’t get “historical.” You know how we do that? One spouse comes to apologize, and the other says, “I was waiting for that, because this is the fourth time you’ve done this. You did it at Christmas, you did it at Easter, you did it on vacation…” That’s a score-keeping thing. It’s dangerous because it means you never really dealt with the issue; you just faked it. You’ve got to finish a conflict. Reconcile, and then let it go.
He sees her and repeats the same beautiful things he said on their honeymoon night.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 6:5-7]
He is lifting her back up. He’s watching her literally come to life before his eyes because of love and grace and forgiveness.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 6:10]
She asks, “Are we okay? Is there still life in this relationship?” and he sweeps her away in his chariot. The answer is, “Absolutely, we’re okay. It’s forgiven.” The best part of conflict is making up. It deepens a marriage to a level it could never reach without it. If you never had conflict, you’d never know the depths of forgiveness or appreciate grace.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 6:13]
He snatches her away from the public eye. It’s none of their business what happens next. You know who meddles with conflict more than anything? Parents. Especially mothers of the groom. If a guy has the IQ of a brick, he goes to his mom and says, “She did this and she did that,” and Mom gets all fired up.
Parents, let me give you a tip: if your son or daughter comes to your house running down their spouse, you know what you need to do? Send them home. Say, “You don’t live here anymore. I love you, but get your sorry self back home and make that marriage right.” (Now, if there’s abuse, Dad, you go get your bat. Но nine times out of ten, it’s just a spat over something stupid.)
Practical Steps for Healthy Conflict
Let me give you a few action steps.
First, we’ve got to learn how to respond, not react. It’s a learned trait; you won’t do it naturally. Your natural tendency when you hit your hand with a hammer is to react in anger. We have to train ourselves to pause and respond in love under the influence of the Spirit.
Second, we’ve got to passionately and relentlessly pursue oneness. Those little issues that we think aren’t worth a fight can become cancers that eat you alive. Pursue oneness emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
Third, don’t be historical. It’s the cardinal sin of conflict. If you bring up the past, you’re just telling your spouse that you never actually forgot it. If it’s done, let it be done.
Finally, initiate reconciliation early and often. Even if your part of the offense is minor and theirs is as big as the moon, do your part anyway. Check your pride at the door. Men, let me give you a principle: Win the fight, lose your marriage. You might be “right,” but how does that feel when you’re losing your oneness? The goal is to be one, not to be right.
Closing Prayer
Father, as we talk about marriage, there is no issue that affects us more than the need to conflict with health. Lord, we are sinful, and we know that nature comes out. We need Your grace to give us the strength to respond versus react. Allow the Spirit of God to lead us so that this oneness can happen. Give us the courage to do what is right and to recognize the flashpoints so we might abandon the quarrel before it breaks out. May our marriages reflect the image of God and the glory of Christ. We thank You for it in Christ’s name. Amen.