Sex and Sexuality

The Silence of the Church in a Hyper-Sexualized Culture

To reiterate what has already been said: we are going to deal this week with a subject matter that some consider “age-appropriate.” As a parent, you have the opportunity to parent as you see fit, even for those joining us via video. If you have a son or daughter in the sanctuary and you prefer not to have them here for this, now is the time to exit stage left, because we’re going to talk about sex and sexuality.

There is no question that we live in a highly sexualized culture. Even for those of you who grew up in the sexually liberated sixties, it’s enough to make you blush. You cannot turn on the TV, you cannot listen to music, and you cannot watch a movie without seeing blatant sexuality in our faces. The days of I Love Lucy, where Rick and Lucy slept in separate beds—if not separate rooms—are long gone. We are living in a culture now that is not only hyper-sexualized but is normalizing sexual expression outside of any sense of design. In doing so, we are promoting sexual excess, blatant experimentation, and a hookup culture. This creates increased sexual confusion because of a culture of indulgence lacking clear boundaries. It’s a sexual free-for-all.

I was listening to some music recently and a song came on. Have you ever found yourself thinking, “Oh, I like that,” and you start leaning in? Then you actually start listening to the words and go, “Wait, what?” I Googled the lyrics just to make sure. It’s a song called “Complicated,” and it says: “We can keep it simple baby. Let’s not make it complicated. Labels are so overrated. Let’s not make it complicated. Rules are meant for breaking baby. Let’s not make it complicated. Why don’t we just get naked? Let’s not make it complicated.”

Welcome to 2017. That is the culture we are living in. Meanwhile, the church is so terrified of the issue of sexuality that we just grow red-faced and silent. We don’t say anything about it, and the problem is that the message we do give is incomplete. We freak out because our kids are singing that song and we wonder, “How do you know that?” Then we realize they are aware of things we aren’t comfortable with, so we just drop the hammer: “Don’t have sex until you’re married.”

When they ask why, we say, “Because I said so,” or “Because the Bible says so.” When they ask us to show them where the Bible says that, we panic and want to call the pastor. The reality is that the church has not done a good job of showing people the bounty and the delight that will be ours if we can just wait and then enjoy, in full satisfaction, what God has intended. God created us as sexual creatures. God is the one who wired us with a longing to express our sexuality, and I would argue He literally wrote the book on how sexuality should be expressed.

The Context of the Covenant

So far in the Song of Solomon, we have seen this couple begin to date. They were attracted to each other on the basis of who they were on the inside, not just the outside. We watched them spend time together in community and in public. Last week, we saw them enter courtship—the intentional development of the relationship. But if you look at the text in chapter three, starting in verse six, you see what is called the wedding procession.

Marriages in this culture were fascinating. They didn’t meet on eHarmony or Tinder; they were most likely arranged marriages. When we hear “arranged marriage,” we often assume it’s against the will of the children, but that wasn’t necessarily the case. Often, a family would see another family they’d done life with and say, “Hey, you’ve got a daughter and she’s beautiful, and I’ve got a son and he doesn’t reek to the heavens, so let’s hook these two up.” The parents would initiate it, and the kids would give a thumbs up.

There would be the giving of a “bride price” or a dowry. Once the agreement was made, the son would go home and begin to build a home attached to his father’s house. The father would oversee it like a general contractor. Meanwhile, the bride-to-be waited—like the story in Matthew 25 of the ten virgins—with her bags packed. She knew that as soon as the father signed off that the home was ready, the son would come to get her and they would enter the marriage feast. Jesus alluded to this in John 14.

John 14:1-3 (NASB)

’Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me. ’In My Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. ’If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, [there] you may be also.

In our weddings today, we typically rent a hall, exchange vows and rings, maybe do communion, and then go to the reception to cut the cake and dance. Then the couple leaves for the honeymoon. After experiencing the delight of the honeymoon, they come back to church, and we ask them that same awkward question we ask every newlywed couple: “How was your honeymoon?” They both blush and smile and say, “It was good.”

A Jewish wedding was different. The wedding feast could last for weeks and involve hundreds of people. In John chapter two, Jesus is at a wedding that ran out of wine, and He turned 120 gallons of water into really good wine. That is a party of significant proportion! On the wedding night, the father would veil the daughter, and the couple would stand under a canopy to read the marriage covenant. Once the officiant pronounced them husband and wife, they went to a side room—the bridal chamber.

The author of Hebrews says the marriage bed should be undefiled, perhaps speaking of this very chamber. They would go in to consummate the union while the guests waited. When they were done, the groom would walk out holding the blood-stained sheets as proof of her virginity, and everyone would cheer. Then he would re-enter the party. According to Deuteronomy 22, the father would take those sheets and keep them as proof of her virtue. Point being: what we have in chapter four is essentially a web camera in the bridal chamber. It is an unedited version of what happens on a wedding night. I want to show you what is in store for those who can wait—the bounty that comes when obedience is paired with God’s design.

The Unedited Wedding Night

It starts in chapter four, verse one.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 4:1]

He hasn’t even lifted her veil yet. He describes her hair like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead. I didn’t realize this was a “thing” until I started officiating weddings, but usually, a bride has her hair in a magnificent “updo” with a thousand bobby pins. Having the hair up is very intimate because it exposes the neck. On the wedding night, she is pulling the pins out, and her hair is coming down.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 4:2]

This means two things: one, she has all her teeth, which I guess was a bonus back then. But it also means she is smiling. This is not a moment of shame for her; it is a moment of joy. She has waited for this day.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 4:3]

Why would her temples be red? Because I don’t care how godly you are, when he is reaching to unbutton your dress, you’re going to blush. In this moment, she is being undressed by her husband, and there’s a sense of delight mixed with the reality of, “Oh, this is happening right now.”

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 4:4]

In the life of David, he had a special group of soldiers—like a Seal Team Six—who were his bodyguards. This woman’s neck is like a tower so upright and worthy that the shields of mighty men could be hung on it. It’s poetry. It means when she stands, her head is not down in shame. She stands in nobility, honor, and godliness.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 4:5]

If you want to approach a gazelle, you don’t run at it like a dump truck. You approach gently, quietly, and tenderly. When this woman stands naked before her husband, he approaches her with reverence and kindness. He’s not a cage fighter coming off the top rope; he’s approaching her with incredible care.

Remember back in chapter two, verse seventeen, when she was getting a little heated and told him to be like a gazelle on the “Mountains of Bether”? We said those mountains don’t exist; it was a play on words. Look at his response in verse six.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 4:6]

He is throwing back her flirty words to him, which is beautiful. According to 1 Corinthians 7, sexual expression in marriage is one of the greatest gifts you can give a spouse. It is a “give-give” relationship. Your body belongs to your spouse, and theirs to you. A dating couple in the backseat of a car? That’s a “taker” relationship. This is “give-give.”

The Power of Affirmation and Vulnerability

Verse seven describes the most vulnerable moment in a woman’s life. Ladies, you know what I mean. You are standing naked before your husband, and every body-image issue or insecurity you’ve ever had is exposed. In that moment, the husband has the opportunity to speak life or to destroy.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 4:7]

He just breathes life into her. Now, do you really think she has no blemish? I’ve never met a woman who is fully content with everything about her body. But she is perfect to him. Fellas, you have to be careful, because if you have eyes for other things that walk by, you’ll kill this girl’s spirit. But here, she feels cherished.

In verse eight, he invites her to do life with him. He is so captivated that he says his heart beats faster just by a single glance.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 4:9]

Fellas, you know how it is. My wife can give me a certain look without saying a word, and I can’t think straight. I start to stutter. A glance from your wife speaks incredible power.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 4:10]

This echoes chapter one. The word for “love” here is the Hebrew word doad, which refers to intense physical, sexual expression. He is saying she is completely intoxicating and satisfying. Then comes the contact.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 4:11]

We call it a French kiss, but it was a Hebrew kiss first! And he mentions the fragrance of her garments. How close do you have to be to smell that? This is getting very intimate. From verses twelve to fifteen, she refers to her body as a garden.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 4:12-15]

He is overwhelmed by her. Now, remember twice before, the relationship got heated and he had to say, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it pleases.” I would literally pay any engaged woman here a chunk of money if she would quote verse sixteen on her honeymoon night. For the first time, she speaks.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 4:16]

She’s saying, “If my body is a garden, make it breathe. Bring it. I’m ready.” Now, every guy hearing this is thinking, “Dude, how do I get that kind of response?” Can I break your heart, fellas? That response is earned. It’s a privilege, not a right. You want that response? Take out the trash. Do the dishes. Speak kindly to her. If you invest in her life the way this guy has, there’s a chance. But you have to do the heavy lifting first.

The Invitation and God’s Approval

In chapter five, verse one, we see the sense of completion.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 5:1]

There is total satisfaction here. This is God’s design. But look at the bottom of verse one: “Eat, friends; drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers.” Some say she says it, some say he does, some say it’s the friends. But I believe this is the only time God speaks in the book. It’s as if He’s looking at this beautiful, satisfying union and saying, “That’s what I’m talking about. That’s what I created. Enjoy it.”

That is the full plate of bounty prepared for you if you wait. You can try to steal some scraps before it’s ready, but it will never be what it could be if you just have the patience to trust the Lord.

Understanding the Original Design

Where do we find God’s design? We go back to the beginning.

Genesis 1:26-27 (NASB)

Then God said, ‘Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.’ God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

Part of God’s design was fruitfulness—that a husband and wife would delight in each other and multiply. In Genesis 2, God fashions woman from Adam’s rib and brings her to him.

Genesis 2:21-24 (NASB)

So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.’ For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.

They were naked and not ashamed. Sexuality, in obedience to God, is a beautiful, unashamed thing. But then comes Genesis 3. The serpent tempts Eve, she pursues her own will above God’s, and for the first time, she is naked and ashamed. They hide. They cover themselves.

Sexuality is an expression of the image of God. Male and female come together to reflect His image. If you look at Rembrandt’s painting of the Prodigal Son, the father’s hands are fascinating: one is burly and strong, the other is dainty and feminine. Rembrandt was showing that maleness and femaleness together reflect the fullness of God. Anything outside of that is a dishonor to that image. Paul associates sexual immorality with idolatry.

Colossians 3:5 (NASB)

Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry.

When we reject God’s plan for our own, we are choosing to be God. That is why 1 Thessalonians says the will of God is our sanctification—that we abstain from sexual immorality.

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 (NASB)

For this is the will of God, your sanctification; [that is], that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God;

Our sexuality says more about our theology than we think. In the New Testament, the word for immorality is porneia. It refers to any sexual activity outside of God’s design. Paul tells the church in Galatia that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Galatians 5:19-21 (NASB)

Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

This means if your normal pattern of life is the indulgence of the flesh in rejection of God’s design, you are evidencing an unregenerate heart. Those who follow Jesus struggle toward righteousness; they don’t actively indulge in sin.

Romans 8:6-8 (NASB)

For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able [to do so], and those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

If your life is marked by immorality, you don’t just have an immorality problem; you have a gospel problem. You haven’t fully embraced Jesus as Lord of your sexuality. I say that as someone who was there for the first several years of my faith. I had new life in Christ, but old habits from my fraternity days were hard to break. You can’t follow God and do life your way at the same time.

The Danger of Deviations

Let’s be practical. Any sexual activity outside of marriage—premarital sex—is a deviation.

Hebrews 13:4 (NASB)

Marriage [is to be held] in honor among all, and the [marriage] bed [is to be] undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

What about pornography? Jesus said if you look at a woman with lust, you’ve committed adultery in your heart.

Matthew 5:28 (NASB)

but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Pornography is dangerous because it’s not just about a bad decision; it literally rewires your brain. It triggers a reward cycle of dopamine (pleasure), adrenaline (the rush), and oxytocin (bonding). When you click through images, you are bonding yourself to a screen. It is incredibly addictive—some argue it’s harder to quit than heroin because of that chemical pull.

This is why “friends with benefits” doesn’t work. You can’t have a casual hookup because your brain chemistry is designed to bond you to that person. Your body develops a dependence.

This leads to the issue of masturbation. Galatians 5 says those who belong to Christ have crucified the flesh.

Galatians 5:24 (NASB)

Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

In marriage, your body belongs to your spouse.

1 Corinthians 7:3-4 (NASB)

The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband [does]; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife [does].

You are not meant to be a slave to your urges; you are meant to be obedient to the Lord.

Galatians 5:16 (NASB)

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh.

If you are single and older, the call is the same: take every thought captive. I know it’s difficult, but it’s time for believers to wage war with the flesh. Paul said he beat his body to make it a slave so he wouldn’t be disqualified.

1 Corinthians 9:27 (NASB)

but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified.

We are too quick to say, “I couldn’t resist.” We must recognize that our bodies are not our own.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NASB)

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.

Then there is the issue of homosexuality. Biblically, this is not a gray area. Both the Old and New Testaments speak to it being outside of God’s design. I don’t say this to shame anyone, but to speak the same truth I would to someone struggling with porn or premarital sex.

Romans 1:24-27 (NASB)

Therefore God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, so that their bodies would be dishonored among them. For they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen. For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error.

The clear teaching is that it is a sin, but we need to handle it better. We need to disciple one another through our brokenness.

1 Corinthians 6:9-10 (NASB)

Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor [the] covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God.

Whether it’s a happily married man needing to take his thoughts captive, or someone struggling with same-sex attraction, we all need the gospel. We live in a culture that treats sexuality as a choice rather than a design, and our young people need loving boundaries that show them how to honor God.

A Call to Healing and Discipleship

How do we deal with our brokenness? First, recognize the struggle is not unique to you. If you feel convicted today, know that it takes one to know one. I understand the depth of my own brokenness. I am fully capable of any deviation you can imagine, but for the grace of God. We are in this together.

The issue is the heart. Are we willing to be fully satisfied in Jesus? As we abide in Him, He transforms our desires. We need to bring these things into the light for healing. We tend to hide the “naughty” things—we’ll confess anger but not pornography. But we must shine a light in dark places.

1 John 1:6-9 (NASB)

If we say that we have fellowship with Him and [yet] walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

If you say, “I’m good, this doesn’t apply to me,” be careful.

1 Corinthians 10:13 (NASB)

No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.

This is a church where you have the freedom to struggle and be honest. We have a ministry here called Re-gen that meets on Monday nights. It’s one of my favorite places because people get real. A guy stands up and says, “I’m struggling with sexual addiction and fantasy,” and it’s beautiful because it’s honest.

If this message causes conviction, turn to the One who makes all things new. Turn to the One who restores the years and invite the gospel to bear on your sexual brokenness.

Let’s pray together. Father, thank You for Your design and the privilege of walking in obedience. Do a work in our hearts. Help us reject the idolatry of pursuing our own flesh and instead submit to You as Lord of all, even our sexuality. Redeem us and restore us. In Jesus’ name, Amen.