Deepening / Song of Solomon 7:1-8:14
The Vision of the Bride
There is something unmistakably attractive about a couple that does life together for a long time. If you’ve ever met someone who has been married for decades, you know there is something special there. There is both a magic and an underlying perseverance to it, because if you’ve been married for any number of seconds, you know it’s not always easy.
I remember an experience I had years ago where I ran into someone who was a celebrity to me. I was at a graduation party, coming around for seconds at the buffet line—don’t judge me—and a gentleman suited up and looking sharp was on the other side. He was a smaller-framed, shorter man with a little Southern drawl. I looked up and realized, That’s Pastor G.L. Johnson.
If you knew Pastor Johnson, he pioneered People’s Church into what it is today. He was a visionary, a maverick, a Bible teacher, and an evangelist. He was also a man who was never caught dead without a suit on. But more than that, for forty-plus years in ministry, he was faithful to the Word of God and a faithful husband. I was standing there, trying to think of what to say. I’m normally not short on words, but I was starstruck. I finally said, “Hey Pastor, I just think you’re great and I’m so thankful for you.”
He very graciously put his hand up and said, “I’m sorry to interrupt, but have you met my bride, Jackie?”
That hit me. They weren’t newlyweds; they had been married for fifty years. I remember thinking, Lord, one day, if you ever provide for me a wife, I’ll call her my bride. There was something so tender about that. If you’ve been around my wife, you know I call her my “bride” quite often. It makes it fun when we go to dinner and I say, “Table for two, it’s just my bride.” The host will say, “Oh, newlyweds! That’s cute.” And I’ll say, “No, almost twenty years with this sweet woman, but thank you.”
People aren’t used to hearing that. There is a misnomer that marriage is a “ball and chain.” It’s a fallacy to assume that life is exciting and then, once you put a ring on it, the fun is over. I just don’t think it has to be like that. When Pastor Johnson introduced me to his bride, something in me clicked. I said, “I want that.”
A Compelling Vision for Marriage
From a generational standpoint, we are entering an interesting time where the Pastor Johnsons of our history are becoming fewer and far between. In 1980, the average age of a woman getting married was 24. Today, it’s 29. Millennials value marriage more than any generation before them, yet they are statistically less likely to marry. Some argue they are enjoying intimacy without the commitment, or perhaps they are just cautious because of what they saw growing up.
Consider the statistics of children growing up with married parents in the home: for Baby Boomers, it was 85%; for Gen X, 71%; and for Millennials, 61%. The trends are clear. It is becoming less common for a child to grow up in a home with both a mom and a dad.
I believe it is time for a renewed vision of what God intended marriage to be. It’s time to raise our sights and recast a more compelling vision—to cut the “ball and chain” metaphor and leave it behind. We need to embrace a biblical model of marriage that endures the decades, withstands trials and tribulations, and finds a way, by the grace of God, to reflect the Gospel long into our golden years.
How do you do that? How do you keep a marriage exciting and develop passion over time when the newlywed season is long gone? How do you build a marriage that makes your kids’ friends stare at you like you have three heads because they’ve never seen anything like it? It starts upstream. It means attracting the right person, dating in a way that honors God, and recognizing that a good marriage, like a fine wine, should mature and get smoother with time.
Noticing the Details
In Song of Solomon chapter seven, we see a couple whose relationship is deepening. We don’t know how much time has passed since their honeymoon in chapter four, but the tone has shifted from the initial shock of beauty to a deep, seasoned familiarity.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 7:1-2]
“How beautiful are your feet in sandals, oh princess daughter! The curves of your hips are like jewels, the work of the hands of an artist. Your navel is like a round goblet which never lacks mixed wine. Your belly is like a heap of wheat fenced about with lilies.”
How do I know this relationship is deepening? Because, fellas, I didn’t give a dang about my wife’s feet for years. I didn’t even know they existed! When you’re a newlywed, you aren’t focused on the feet. But now, I notice the little things. My wife has dainty little feet, and they end up in my lap all the time. She’ll say, “You can rub them if you want to.” (If I wanted to, I would have grabbed them already, but I rub them anyway!) I’m very familiar with those feet now.
This husband is also noticing things that a newlywed might be too nervous to mention. He talks about her hips, her navel, and her belly. He is seeing that even years after the honeymoon, there is a sweetness and a satisfaction there. He sees her beauty even as life changes and bodies look different.
Fellas, when a woman has a child, she might struggle with insecurity about her body. But if you recognize the beauty of that woman beyond the surface, you give her a massive gift: the gift of satisfaction in her just as she is. She’s fighting inner pressures to look a certain way, fearing that if she doesn’t, you’ll look elsewhere. You need to explain to her that your eyes are for her alone—baby weight and all. Whether she puts on weight or loses it, your eyes are for her. To this man, his wife is still intoxicating.
The Goal of Intimacy
As we get older, our bodies change. I’m 45 now, and I’m losing hair where I want to keep it and growing hair where I wish I wouldn’t. I’ve got a “baker’s dozen” muffin top strapped around my waist. But my wife and I are extremely satisfied in one another.
Proverbs 5:19 (NASB)
[As] a loving hind and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love.
As Proverbs says, “Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love.” This couple in Song of Solomon still enjoys one another.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 7:3-6]
He notices her neck, her eyes, her nose, and her head. There is a maturity here. They aren’t just “slurping soup” and calling it a day; there is still excitement.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 7:7-9]
He talks about climbing the palm tree to take hold of its fruit. He might need a boost as he gets older, but he’s still going for it! And in verse nine, she playfully interrupts him. She mentions the wine flowing gently through the lips of “those who fall asleep.” That’s a classic play on words. We all know the stereotype: intimacy happens, and then the man falls asleep. She’s teasing him about his snoring.
There’s a joke called the “jelly bean fallacy.” They say you put a jelly bean in a jar every time you’re intimate in the first year, and take one out every time after that, and you’ll die with a full jar. I’m telling you, it doesn’t have to be that way. But you have to realize that the goal isn’t simply sexual satisfaction; the goal is intimacy.
Intimacy for a 45-year-old looks different than it does for a 20-year-old. It’s about creating a safe place for the expression of oneness—emotionally, spiritually, and physically. It’s a satisfaction where you are safe to be heard, to be vulnerable, to cry, and to be held. That oneness transcends hormonal fluctuations, body image, stress, and seasons of life.
Consumed by One
In verse ten, the bride makes a powerful statement about her husband’s devotion.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 7:10]
“I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me.” That word “desire” is the Hebrew word tsukha. It’s only used three times in the Bible, and it means to overcome, to consume, or to devour. She recognizes that his overwhelming, consuming desire is for her.
He isn’t obsessed with anyone else. He doesn’t share his mind, his body, or his longings with the woman at the office, the girl at the coffee stand, or someone on the internet. He isn’t flirting or taking a second look. He shares his desire with no one but her.
It also means he isn’t consumed by his career, his hobbies, his man cave, or his fitness. He is consumed by her. Fellas, if you want to put some “juice” back into your relationship, let your wife know that nothing in your life is as important as she is. When she calls, take the call. When you come home, be home. Shut off the TV. When she’s in the kitchen, go lend a hand. Show her she is your priority.
My wife and I love this verse so much she wanted us to get tattoos of it. I told her, “How about we just get a ring?” So I got a ring in Israel that says, “I am my beloved’s and his desire is for me.” She still wants the tattoo, so we’re still talking about that. But the point is this: twenty years in, we are having a blast because we stay teachable and connected.
Guarding Against the Drift
Adultery is rarely just an issue of lust; it is an issue of neglect. It’s the result of a slow drift—distraction, rejection, and disrespect over time. In chapter two, the bride said to “catch the foxes” that ruin the vineyard. It’s the little things that cause the destruction.
Proverbs 24:30-34 (NASB)
I passed by the field of the sluggard And by the vineyard of the man lacking sense, And behold, it was completely overgrown with thistles; Its surface was covered with nettles, And its stone wall was broken down. When I saw, I reflected upon it; I looked, [and] received instruction. ‘A little sleep, a little slumber, A little folding of the hands to rest,’ Then your poverty will come [as] a robber And your want like an armed man.
“I passed by the field of the sluggard… it was completely overgrown with thistles… A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest—then your poverty will come as a robber.”
What caused the destruction? Just “a little.” It’s the little things in your marriage—the tone of your voice, where you spend your time, how you communicate. If you allow the drift to continue and wait for your spouse to make the first move, it’s only a matter of time before someone else steps into the gap.
People say the grass is greener on the other side. I say: water your own dang grass! Stop looking over the fence. There are weeds over there, too. That other person seems intoxicating until you realize you don’t like the way they chew their gum either. Stay where God placed you and water your own grass.
We often do “bad math” in marriage: “I’m unhappy + she’s unhappy = we should divorce.” No! “I’m unhappy + she’s unhappy = we need help.” We need to invite people in, turn to Christ, and live confessionally. When I said my vows, I didn’t say “until you drive me crazy enough that I walk away.” I said “until death do us part.”
New and Old Fruits
So how do you keep the little things from creeping in? You have to be intentional about getting away.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 7:11-13]
She says, “Come, my beloved, let us go into the country… there I will give you my love.” She tells him the mandrakes are giving off their fragrance and she has “choice fruits, both new and old” saved up for him.
Ladies, take your husband and get him out of town. Throw his phone in the ocean if you have to! Nothing is going to burn down while you’re gone. Find a way to rendezvous. And I love that phrase “new and old.” A marriage needs newness—spontaneity, creativity, and fun. If your physical intimacy has become formulaic, change it up!
Travel. Take a risk. I remember being on the coast with my wife and she went to run an errand and came back with a nose ring. I loved it! It was something new and exciting. Ladies, tell your husband you’re going out of town and ask him one question: “Do you want red or black?” He will lose his mind! That’s the kind of playfulness you need.
Some people think being with the same person for fifty years would be boring. That is a flat-out lie. There is an excitement with new people, sure, but there is a fulfillment and security with your spouse that is deeper than anything else. The real gold is the connection of the “old.” It’s the history, the shared memories, the traditions, and the faithfulness over time. There is a sweetness in the familiarity and the ability to be comfortable in your own skin.
Closing the Song
As we wrap up this look at the Song of Solomon, let’s be mindful of the things that cause the slow drift.
Don’t have a child-centered home. Your kids are a wonderful addition, but your life should not pivot around them. They are going to leave one day, and you don’t want to be left looking at a stranger. Kids are a natural wedge; they’ll try to get right between you. Remind them: “I loved her first, and she has priority.”
Don’t obsess over your career. Work to live; don’t live to work. Your kids would rather have you for dinner on a Tuesday than go on an expensive trip to Europe. And don’t get distracted by busyness. Put the “big rocks” in first. Schedule your spouse and your family before the PTA or the school carnival.
Finally, remember how this book ends.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 8:6-7]
“Put me as a seal over your heart… for love is strong as death… Many waters cannot quench love.”
This is a bond. This is the older couple walking down the street holding hands. Give the world a gift, you who have gray hair: hold hands in public. Let people yell, “Get a room!” When you do that, you give young people hope.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 8:13-14]
As exciting as it began, this book finishes with a call for the beloved to hurry, like a young stag on the mountains. This series has shown us attraction based on godliness, dating in community, intentional courtship, the delight of sexuality within God’s design, and the beauty of growing old together.
That, my friends, is the Song of Solomon. Let’s pray that our marriages would reflect the Gospel not just for days or weeks, but for decades, to the glory and honor of God.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 8:14]