Addressing Issues in Marriage

Well, it is good to finish up what has been a powerful and painful series. I’ve talked to a lot of folks who were like, “Dude, why are you picking on me?” I tell them, “Try teaching this thing five times a week throughout the whole series and then go home to your wife!” If I try to get mouthy with my wife, she reminds me, “Hey, remember you taught such-and-so?”

It has been a bruising series for many of us. What it has done, hopefully, is raise the bar week in and week out to give us a loftier vision of what could and should be in relationships. In some ways, it might have even made that vision seem unattainable. Have you felt like that? Like there is something just out of reach? In some ways, that is the point.

The Everest of Relationships

Years ago, I did something I regretted enough that I only did it a second time and never a third: I did one of those endurance races. I did a Tough Mudder. It was a ten-mile run, but they don’t tell you most of it is uphill. You’re running on fire trails with obstacles throughout the race. It’s not just monkey bars; they have you low-crolling through wet mud while they are pulsing electricity through you.

The final obstacle was a massive quarter-pipe they called “Everest.” Everyone was lined up looking at this thing, trying to get up, but it was slippery because everyone was wet. You’d get three steps up, slip, and slide back to the bottom. The more you tried on your own, the more you realized you couldn’t make it. You needed someone who had already made it to reach down and wait for you.

Now, I’m not a tiny guy. I was watching the “Clydesdales” try to get up, and they would lock arms with some Frodo Baggins up there and just rip him down with them. I thought, “I don’t need a hobbit; I need Andre the Giant. I need a guy with a little junk in his trunk.” I looked up and saw a big guy shaking off the smaller runners. He saw me, pointed, and signaled, “Big man, I got you.” I pointed back and said, “You better be strong!”

I went running up that thing, we locked arms, and that guy pulled me up. When I got to the top, it was an incredible feeling. But then I realized I was going to spend the next thirty minutes yanking other guys up. And I loved it! I was hanging off the top, looking for the biggest guys, saying, “I got you, come on!” It was so much fun helping them do what they could not do on their own.

As we’ve taught this series, the standard feels like Everest. It feels just a bit out of reach. Can I give you some good news? There are people who have done life longer than you who are at the top, and they’ve got their hands out. If you’ll take the initiative, they’ll grab you. We get to do this together. In those Tough Mudder runs, it wasn’t about the individual; it was an event where you competed with your team. The goal was simply to finish together.

As a church, we are competing together to raise the bar high and help each other ascend to it. Have you noticed that the higher the standards get, the more people either quit or try to lower the standard? In our culture, people love to lower the bar for relationships. When they see people trying to rise to a standard, they love to pull them down. As the people of God, we ought to do the opposite. We ought to raise the bar even higher, lock arms, and help each other do what we could not do on our own.

Creating Healthy Patterns

To the singles, I would simply say this: recognize that you are creating patterns right now. These patterns will dictate the way you do relationships long after you say “I do.” The way you attract, the way you date, the way you handle sex and sexuality—these are preparing you for your future normal. Create healthy patterns. Keep your eyes wide open. See every flaw and every red flag.

The challenge for singles is to be not just hearers of the word, but doers. Sometimes the dudes will take notes and start using the “churchy” language with a girl, but they have no intent of following through. They are hearers, but when push comes to shove, they still push boundaries. You’ve got to be doers of the word.

To those who are engaged, do the heavy lifting now. Do the hard work necessary to prepare for marriage. The wedding will come and go, but you’re going to get out of the relationship what you put into it. One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is to find a mentor.

Now, you need to know that your mentor might not know everything about doing marriage perfectly, but they probably know a thousand things not to do—and that is often more valuable. I say that to set potential mentors free. You don’t have to be a sage; you just have to be honest. If you are honest about what you did well and what you did poorly, you give that young couple a gift no book can offer.

If you’ve been married ten years or more, you have done more life than any book can contain. You don’t need a curriculum or a video series to be a mentor. You just need a warm dinner and an invitation for a young couple to come over and talk. We have a great premarital mentoring program here that pairs couples for multiple sessions before the wedding and walks with them for the first year after. It has paid massive dividends.

The Sanctifying Work of Marriage

I’ll be honest with you: people often think a series like this will result in a baby boom. Actually, it usually results in more breakups. And that’s secretly the point. If a sermon series can break up your relationship, you probably have no business getting married yet, because life is a lot harder than a sermon series. I want to test the mettle of a relationship. If what you’ve heard has brought you closer together, you’ve got the makings of something good.

To those of you who are married, I want to remind you of the sanctifying work of your spouse. No, they are not there simply to annoy you; they are there to remind you that you are selfish. We didn’t think we were selfish until we got married. Then we had kids and realized we have an “inner narcissist” that wishes everything would bow to our preferences.

God has given you a spouse to help you not just be happy, but to be holy. That doesn’t mean happiness is absent—I hope you have laughter and great memories—but the ultimate goal is that one act of grace at a time, you might look more like Jesus. Paul explains this beautifully in his letter to the Romans.

Romans 12:9-11 (NASB)

[Let] love [be] without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. [Be] devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord;

We are committed to healthy relationships because they reflect the image of God. They are an incredible apologist for the power of the Gospel. When a sinful man and a sinful woman come together under Christ to serve each other, it presents the grace of Jesus to the world.

Furthermore, the home is the primary source of spiritual formation. The responsibility for training the next generation doesn’t lie primarily with the local church, but with mothers and fathers.

Proverbs 22:6 (NASB)

Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.

You don’t “oops” your way into an awesome marriage. You have to invest. If you’ve been married twenty years and you’re in a rut, blow it up! Do something different. If your marriage is heading downhill, get help now. If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always be what you’ve always been.

Seeking Wise Counsel

If you are in a marriage that is on the rocks, go get counseling. Open your heart to be teachable and let someone else speak into your life. They might see a blind spot or a sin issue that has become so habitual to you that it feels like your own hand.

Proverbs 18:1-2 (NASB)

He who separates himself seeks [his own] desire, He quarrels against all sound wisdom. A fool does not delight in understanding, But only in revealing his own mind.

I noticed in my own marriage that I naturally “power up.” When my wife says something I don’t agree with, I feel the intensity rising. That’s just who I am—until I see my wife begin to wilt like a flower in the summer heat. I realized that my tendency to power up is a blind spot that can sever my relationship.

You won’t find these things out alone. You need a Life Group. You need people who will ask you the follow-up question. I have a monthly men’s group where we move past the pleasantries. If I say things are “good,” they ask, “If I called your wife and asked her, would she say the same thing?” That is what community is about. You are hardwired to do life in relationships.

The Log and the Speck

I was mindful of Matthew 7 this week, where Jesus talks about judgment. We often stop reading too early and interpret “do not judge” as a command to never address anyone’s behavior. But Jesus is actually talking about the standard of measure.

Matthew 7:1-5 (NASB)

’Do not judge so that you will not be judged. ’For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. ’Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? ’Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? ’You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

If we don’t finish that passage, we lower the standard. We think, “I won’t judge your issues if you don’t judge mine,” and we settle for relational mediocrity. But Jesus says to take the log out of your own eye so that you can see clearly to help your brother. It’s not about being perfect before you speak; it’s about the ongoing work of reaching back to pull someone else up while someone else pulls you.

If you have deep-rooted issues, we have a counseling center with licensed therapists who hold a biblical worldview. We also have “Regen,” a recovery ministry that is the most authentic place you will ever go. People show up and say, “I have new life in Christ, and God is recovering me from…” and they lay it out there. It’s not general; it’s specific. It’s a game-changer because once you’ve experienced that kind of honesty, you’ll never be comfortable being shallow again.

We are also launching “Re-Engage” in January, which is a marriage enrichment process. It’s about drawing a circle around yourself and working on the mess inside that circle. It’s for couples who might not even like each other right now, but who are committed to the process. Together, we rise.

A War Against Divorce

I am in an all-out war against divorce. I don’t say that to shame those who have been down that road, but for those who are married now and are using the word “divorce” in their vocabulary, I want to talk you off the cliff. The Bible gives no “Plan B” for anything short of the death of a spouse, abandonment, abuse, or adultery. There is no “unhappy clause.”

Divorce is sin, and sin consistently over-promises and under-delivers. The illusion is that things will be better on the other side. People always point to the one “unicorn” story where it worked out, but they don’t tell you about the train wrecks. It costs you spiritually. It grieves the heart of God and discredits the work of the Gospel.

Matthew 7:15-19 (NASB)

’Beware of the false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves. ’You will know them by their fruits. Grapes are not gathered from thorn [bushes] nor figs from thistles, are they? ’So every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit. ’A good tree cannot produce bad fruit, nor can a bad tree produce good fruit. ’Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.

When a person who professes faith in Jesus willfully walks away from their spouse, it begs an investigation into the genuineness of their faith. It is a pursuit of preference over obedience. It also costs the family. If you have kids, you become a part-time parent. Kids end up living out of suitcases on holidays. It confuses their view of the Gospel. How can they understand the unconditional love of God when the conditional love of their earthly father walked out the door?

If you have already filed or are picking up the pieces of a past divorce, I want you to know this is a place of grace. But our heart will always be for reconciliation. We believe God is in the business of miracles.

At this church, we value both grace and truth. This is a safe place for the broken, but it is not a safe place for “believers” to hide and indulge in sin. This is not a place to come with your girlfriend if you are still married. If you left your spouse at another church to come here because we are big and you can hide, you are going to hear a message of repentance. We love you enough to pastor you and hold you to the covenant you made.

The One Thing Lacked

In Mark 10, Jesus encounters a wealthy man who claims to have kept all the commandments since his youth.

Mark 10:17-22 (NASB)

As He was setting out on a journey, a man ran up to Him and knelt before Him, and asked Him, ‘Good Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?’ And Jesus said to him, ’Why do you call Me good? No one is good except God alone. ’You know the commandments, ‘DO NOT MURDER, DO NOT COMMIT ADULTERY, DO NOT STEAL, DO NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS, Do not defraud, HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER.’’ And he said to Him, ‘Teacher, I have kept all these things from my youth up.’ Looking at him, Jesus felt a love for him and said to him, ‘One thing you lack: go and sell all you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.’ But at these words he was saddened, and he went away grieving, for he was one who owned much property.

Notice that Jesus looked at him and felt love. Because He loved him, He told him the one thing he lacked. He identified the speck. He didn’t do it to shame him, but because dealing with that one thing would allow the man to experience abundant life.

That is what the church should be. Better is an open rebuke than love that is concealed. Because we love Jesus, we hold to His design for marriage—one man and one woman for life. Because we love you, we will fight for your marriage even if you won’t. We will continue to call one another into a deeper relationship with Jesus.

What is Love?

Finally, let’s talk about love. Throughout this series, I’ve heard people say, “We just aren’t in love anymore.” I don’t think they understand biblical love. We love because Jesus first loved us. Were we lovable when He reached out? No. We were dead in our transgressions. But God, being rich in mercy, made a commitment to love us.

Twenty years into my marriage, I don’t always feel in love. But my love for my wife is a decision and a commitment. The feelings follow the decision. My wife chose to marry me and chose to love me, even when I am not lovable.

Your relationship with your spouse is not about “falling” into a feeling; it’s about a willingness to say before God, “My relationship is more about Jesus than my own pleasure.” Just as Jesus loved me when I was unlovable, I will love my spouse when they are unlovable, because my marriage is a reflection of the Gospel.

I want to be part of a church where we lock arms and say, “Let’s live this out.” Let’s care about the way we date, the way we handle conflict, and our theology of marriage. Instead of lowering the bar, let’s put our hands out and say, “I’ll help you up.” Let’s keep moving toward a deeper, abiding relationship with Jesus Christ.

Father, I thank You for the challenge Your Word gives us. I pray that we would leave our isolation and enter into biblical community. Help us to speak the truth in love and challenge one another to the high standard You have set, because it honors Jesus and shows a beautiful picture of the Gospel to the world. Raise our affections, I pray. In Jesus’ name, amen.