Song of Solomon / Marriage

The Mystery of the Marriage Vow

Well, welcome here to The Well. If you’re new with us, my name’s Brad. I get the privilege of hanging out with you here. Today, we’re going to be in Song of Solomon chapter three for just a snapshot, and then we’re going to use it as a good excuse to go all over. I hope you’re ready for a little ride, because what you find in Song of Solomon chapter three, in verses six through ten, is the wedding—the engagement process and the wedding itself.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 3:6-10]

We’re going to touch on that, but what I want to do in our time together is take this as an opportunity to talk about this mystery of marriage. How do a husband and a wife get along together? What are our roles? What does God require of us? What opportunities and obligations do we have as husbands and wives to do this thing in a way that brings glory to God, even in a shadow form?

Think back now to the last wedding you were at. Just remember what it was like. You know, I love weddings. It’s one of my favorite things to do because it’s a rite of passage. It’s one of the few opportunities we’ve got where everything changes in a moment. You’ve got that guy—that little boy who grew to be a man—who now stands there in that awkward tux, waiting for his girl.

One of my favorite parts of the wedding is the backstage scene. All the hairy-back knuckle-draggers are lined up out of sight. They keep the beautiful gals in the wedding party down the center aisle, but they typically tuck the guys away so we don’t have to see them for as long. In the back, the guys are all waiting and jeering: “Hey, it’s your last chance, buddy! Enjoy singleness!”

Then, right as the moms come down and light the unity candle and sit down, everyone looks because they know now is the time. Here come the men. I’ll turn and look at that groom, shake his hand, and say, “Enjoy every second because it’ll be a blur. But everything changes right here, right now. Let’s go.” Then I head-butt the guy and walk out there. I mean, we’re fired up! We come down the center aisle, I put the guy down on the floor, and he’s doing one of those moves like, “Woo, I’m ready!”

Then the doors open. I love to watch the sea of people look to the bride. No offense, fellas, but it is all about her. They all look to her to get a glimpse, but you know what a lot of people do? They immediately look back to him. They know that in this moment, this guy who has felt ready for just about everything he’s ever taken on in his life is standing there trying not to wet himself with panic. It’s a game-changer and he knows it. Oftentimes, I’ll put my hand on his back like he’s a stallion and just say, “Woah boy, woah.” It’s a beautiful scene and an incredible rite of passage.

But I can’t help but wonder: how many men stand there with truly no clue of what it means to be a husband? And how many women are walking down that aisle thinking, “Oh my word, what have I gotten into? Do I really understand what God intends for this relationship?”

The Reality of Two Sinners

Most young married couples assume they’re going to have sex, never fight, and life’s going to be great. What they don’t realize is that he is a sinner, she is a sinner, and they are getting married. Sometime about thirty seconds after they drive away from the reception, they’re going to have a fight. They’re going to have to learn to conflict. He’s going to say something stupid because that’s what guys do. She’s going to get overly emotional because that’s what ladies do. Life happens in the moment.

Does God have anything to say about our roles in marriage? In our culture, we throw out novelty concepts like an “egalitarian” marriage, saying it’s just a fifty-fifty partnership. That’s fine if you’re single, but a fifty-fifty marriage is a divorce waiting to happen because everyone starts keeping score. “I’ll do the dishes tonight, but you have to do them tomorrow.” Then something happens, one person does them twice, and suddenly it’s: “Hey, I did two in a row! You owe me!” You end up playing this awkward score-keeping game.

I look at the biblical picture of marriage, and I’ve never officiated a ceremony where I said, “Do you promise to love, honor, and cherish this person if they do the same in return?” It’s never an “if” statement. It’s always “all in.” I promise, regardless of your behavior, to do what God has called me to do in this relationship.

I also think our marriage paradigm is skewed by something that started with good intentions but became unhealthy when taken to an extreme. I am a fan of the early feminist movement. Paul says we are neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female—all are one in Christ. You are equal in Christ. There is no “more important” role. But while you are equal, you are not the same.

God wired us differently. We aren’t different in terms of intelligence or spiritual value, but there is a distinction. When my daughters are hurt, who do you think they want? They want Mama. She’s going to get the “boo-bunny,” ice it, and take care of them. If they come to me saying, “I have a bruise,” I poke it and say, “Oh, you’re fine,” and give them a noogie. It’s different! But when my daughters are scared, who do you think they want? They want Papa Bear. They know I’ll run through a brick wall to protect them. They want the biggest, ugliest guy around—they want me. We are not the same.

When we take these differences and add a sin nature, things get messy. A guy on a bad day hears about “spiritual leadership” and becomes Napoleon. He starts dictating where they eat because she needs to “submit.” He says, “We’re going to Taco Bell because I like bean burritos, so you’re going with me, woman, in the name of submission!” That’s not what it means.

Or you have a woman who is so tired of a passive man that she not only puts on the pants for herself, but puts on his too, saying, “I’m running this family.” They call that normal, but is that what God intended? Is it supposed to be a gladiator match of who can hold out the longest? He yells at her, so she withholds sex. He whispers in the kids’ ears to turn them against her. She runs up a credit card bill with some “retail therapy.” This is the unhealth we see every day.

The Foundation in Genesis

It all starts back in the beginning. In Genesis chapter two, God picked Adam and communicated His word to him.

Genesis 2:16-17 (NASB)

The LORD God commanded the man, saying, ‘From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die.’

Notice that Eve isn’t even around yet. Why does God go to Adam? Because from the very foundation, God wanted him to be a spiritual leader. It doesn’t mean he’s more important or more intelligent; God simply chose him to lead the home. Then Eve is created, and Adam is supposed to teach the Word of God to her. How does he do? About as well as we do today. He doesn’t do a great job, so when Satan comes, he goes after her. She doesn’t quite understand what God said, she twists it, and Satan manipulates her until she chooses rationale over obedience. She eats the fruit.

Then comes the most frustrating passage in the Bible: “And she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate.” Where was his backbone? Where was the man saying, “Wait a minute, God told me one thing!” He just took it and ate. Sin entered the world, and the results have plagued marriages ever since.

The effects of sin are this: most men, if we are not redeemed by Christ, will either be abusive and domineering or passive and irresponsible. For the ladies, sin leads to one of two things: either you give up and say, “It’s not worth the fight,” or you say, “If he won’t lead, I will.” We’ve been living in these unhealthy patterns for centuries.

The Role of the Wife

In Ephesians 5, the Apostle Paul talks about what a marriage should be.

Ephesians 5:22 (NASB)

Wives, [be subject] to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

“To be subject.” Not a popular concept. Usually, when I talk about submission, ladies fold their arms and think, “I’m not submitting to this joker!” That’s because they think it means being a doormat, having no opinion, and staying barefoot in the kitchen. That’s not it. The Greek word is hupotasso, which means to “place yourself up under.” It is the role of placing yourself under his authority—not because he demands it, but because God called you to.

What if he doesn’t deserve it? Let me enlighten you: he probably never deserves it. But you don’t do it because of him. Peter says that even if a husband is disobedient to the Word, he may be won over without a word by the behavior of his wife.

1 Peter 3:1-2 (NASB)

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any [of them] are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.

You do it “as to the Lord.”

The Role of the Husband

Now, for this to work with any joy, we as men have to live as godly servant leaders. Paul calls the husband the “head” of the wife.

Ephesians 5:23 (NASB)

For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself [being] the Savior of the body.

This goes back to Genesis 2, where it says a man shall leave his mother and father and be joined to his wife.

Genesis 2:24 (NASB)

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.

Notice the verse never says the woman leaves; the man leaves. He establishes his own headship, and she transfers from her parents’ authority to his. He becomes her covering and the one responsible for her. But don’t get cocky, fellas. Look at the comparison: “As Christ is the head of the church.” Jesus died for His church. He came not to be served, but to serve. This isn’t a “lording” leadership; it’s the kind that puts on a towel and washes feet. It woos and cherishes rather than demanding rank.

Ephesians 5:24 (NASB)

But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives [ought to be] to their husbands in everything.

Ladies, you are to be subject in everything—with a few disclaimers. You don’t submit if he asks you to sin. You don’t submit if he is causing you or your children harm. And you don’t have to submit to a guy you’re just dating. I hear guys say, “She needs to learn to submit!” Not to you, buddy! Not until you “sip that finger” and say your “I dos.” Until then, she’s responsible to God and her father.

Ephesians 5:25-27 (NASB)

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

Guys, any monkey can lay down his life once. Dying for your wife isn’t just about a one-time heroic act; it’s about dying daily to your will and deferring to hers. It’s about serving, providing, protecting, and stewarding. If you are absolutely enthralled with yourself, you aren’t ready to be married.

Your job is to “sanctify” her—to set her apart. You are the primary spiritual formation force in the home. It doesn’t mean you have to be a scholar. When I got engaged, my wife said, “You’re the leader, so teach me the Bible every Friday at 6:00 AM.” It was so awkward! By week three, I realized that wasn’t for us.

Spiritual leadership means putting her in a position where she can grow. Maybe that means you watch the kids so she can go to a Life Group. Maybe it means finding a church where the whole family connects. It means sharing your own journey—letting her see you read your Bible or telling her what you’re learning. If you take an interest in her spiritual life, she’ll be thrilled.

Living with Understanding

I want to show you one of my favorite verses for men.

1 Peter 3:7 (NASB)

You husbands in the same way, live with [your wives] in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

To live with her in an “understanding way” means to live with knowledge. Ask questions! What does she fear? What are her insecurities? What makes her tick? Take an active interest. And treat her as a “weaker vessel”—which doesn’t mean less important. Think of it like fine China. You don’t put China in the dishwasher or toss it in a closet. You put it in a cabinet with an LED light and treat it as precious. That is how you treat your wife.

And notice the warning: if you don’t do this, your prayers will be hindered. You’ve heard “Happy wife, happy life”? Well, if Mama ain’t happy, God ain’t happy. You want a right relationship with God? Tell me about your relationship with your wife. You can’t love Jesus and treat your wife like a shrew. Go apologize for speaking harshly or leaving your stinky underwear on the floor. Make it right.

Philippians 2:3 (NASB)

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;

You won’t “oops” your way into a healthy marriage. You have to work at it.

Practical Inventory

Men, here is your list. She needs you to be a spiritual leader. She needs ongoing reassurance that she is loved—don’t rely on the investment you made at the altar; keep investing. She needs emotional connection. She doesn’t need you to fix her problems; she needs you to listen. She needs security—financially, physically, and emotionally. She needs to know you’re a one-woman man. And she needs tenderness.

Ladies, here is yours. He needs you to let him lead. If you keep taking the reins, you erode his confidence. He can get kicked in the face at work, but he needs to come home to respect and admiration. Pray more and nag less. The Bible says it’s better to live on the corner of a roof than with a contentious woman—don’t force him to the roof!

Titus 2:5 (NASB)

[to be] sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.

Be a “keeper of the home.” Create a haven for him. If he comes home to total insanity every day, he’ll start staying later at the office or saying yes to more golf. Create a place of sanity. He also needs physical intimacy and companionship. Remember, the man you married is a little boy in man’s clothes. He wants to play, take risks, and have fun with you.

I challenge you to do an inventory. Don’t ask, “What needs of mine aren’t being met?” Ask, “What needs of my spouse am I failing to meet?”

1 Corinthians 7:32-35 (NASB)

But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and [his interests] are divided. The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. This I say for your own benefit; not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is appropriate and [to secure] undistracted devotion to the Lord.

If you’re single, focus on pleasing the Lord. If you’re married, please your spouse to the glory of God. At the end of it all, it’s about Christ. We want people to see our marriages and say, “What is it about those people?” and we can answer, “It’s Christ in me, the hope of glory. You have no idea what an idiot I would be without Jesus.”

Let’s pray.

Father, as we look at this issue, I know there is pain for those in unhealthy situations. But what an opportunity we have to live in a way that points to You. May You stir, convict, and challenge us. It is time for a revival of biblical marriages where men are servant leaders and women honor that leadership, all under Your authority. We honor You in the way we live. In Jesus’ name, Amen.