Song of Solomon / Intimacy

The Alligator in the Room

Welcome! I’m so glad you’re hanging out with us today. Tonight—and today, really—is the day we’ve all been waiting for. The singles have been waiting, the married couples have been waiting. Tonight, we get to talk about sex. Everybody gets excited about that, so I have a couple of rules of engagement right up front: no hooting and hollering. I don’t want to see any of that; it’s awkward. Just leave those alone. We’re going to take a look at a biblical picture of sexuality in Song of Solomon, chapter four.

Let me begin by sharing a story to set some perspective on what we’re going to look at together. A story was told years ago of a photographer—a National Geographic kind of dude—who came across a village out in the middle of nowhere, right next to a big pond. When he showed up, it was hotter than you-know-where, so he went down to the water to cool off. He saw the kids playing; it was a quaint little setting with grass-roofed huts and dirt floors. Everyone was running around, kids were in the water, and it was a picturesque deal.

As he was cooling off and snapping shots, an alligator suddenly came out of the water. It grabbed one of the kids, pulled him under, did the “death roll,” pulled his leg clean off, and went back into the water. Needless to say, the photographer was panicked, considering he was waist-deep in the water himself moments before. He scrambled out, but in his panic, he noticed how slowly everyone else was moving to get the little boy out of the water. He was stunned. They just nonchalantly walked down and grabbed the kid. He started freaking out, shouting, “This is crazy! What is wrong with you people? Don’t you understand what’s happening? You need to save this kid!”

Then, he noticed the people around him. He saw a little girl missing an arm. He saw a woman with a chunk taken out of her side. He saw a man who was clearly scarred. He said, “Don’t you understand? These alligators are killing you!” And one of the elderly women of the village simply said, “Shh. We don’t talk about alligators here.”

As I heard that story, I thought it felt eerily familiar to how the church and the faith community tend to deal with sexuality. Have you ever noticed that when you look at messages being taught across the country, very seldom will you see a message on sex? Nobody wants to talk about it. Nobody wants to mess with it. Nobody dares to open the Book and expound on what God says about sex because they might be accused of being naughty or unbiblical. The faith community, as soon as you bring up the issue, just goes, “Shh. We don’t talk about that here.”

We act as if Jesus doesn’t care about our sexuality, or as if the Bible doesn’t speak a ton to the issue. But the Apostle Paul says something vital. In fact, this is the only time in your Bible where it explicitly says, “This is the will of God.” How many of you would like to know the will of God for your life? In First Thessalonians, Paul says that God’s will is your sanctification—that you abstain from sexual immorality and learn how to possess your own vessel in honor, not in lustful passion like the heathen who do not know God.

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 (NASB)

For this is the will of God, your sanctification; [that is], that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God;

Did you know that God’s will for your life is that you would learn how to control your sexual appetites? Why don’t we talk about that? Why is that issue taboo or off-limits, as if God is silent?

The Cultural Onslaught

Meanwhile, the culture is communicating very clearly what it thinks about sexuality. In fact, it’s an onslaught. Sexual overtures are embedded in every communication you see. In film, sexual license is promoted. It promotes the idea of multiple partners, sexuality in excess, and the erosion of family values and marital romance. Blatant experimentation is not only promoted but endeared by all, causing incredible gender confusion. Men don’t know what it means to be men; women don’t know what it means to be women.

This sexual message is all over our music. Now, I’m a big fan of hip-hop. I like rap music. I know some people think that’s an oxymoron, but I actually like it. However, I find it increasingly difficult to even listen to it because of the incredible degradation of women in these songs. You see an incredible sense of indulgence—the idea that if it feels good, go ahead. There is no regard for morality or godliness, only promiscuity as normative behavior.

It’s even in commercials. You can’t even watch the Super Bowl without seeing commercials for a bag of chips where a woman is used to sell sex. I’m thinking, “How does that even work?” They’ve thrown out the nuance of connection. They’ve decided that if you market sex, you garner attention, and if you get attention, you sell the product.

The gap continues to widen because culture is communicating clearly, while the faith community is awkwardly and irrelevantly silent. We have young adults learning about sexuality on the playground. How can the church speak to an issue as crucial as sexuality if we don’t teach it from the pulpit? If we don’t stand up and say, “Look, these sexual feelings you have are actually good feelings that God gave you, but He also created a proper context for them.”

Because we are silent, our message has unfortunately just become: “Don’t have sex before you’re married.” That’s a good message, don’t get me wrong. But it’s woefully insufficient. When I came to faith and people told me that, I asked, “Well, why not? What’s the point?” They’d say, “Well, you just shouldn’t. It’s a sin.” I needed more. I am so grateful that the Bible actually gives us more. It gives us a picture of what could be and what should be—a picture of sexuality that is incredibly intimate and passionate. You’re going to absolutely lose your mind as we work through this; you won’t believe it’s in the Bible. But God intended it to be there for us to put into practice.

The Wedding and the Honeymoon

If you remember, this relationship in Song of Solomon started on the foundation of attraction based on character—who they were on the inside. Then they dated in public and in groups. Their courtship showed intentionality. Last week, we looked at the engagement, where the man showed his ability to provide and protect. Now, in the latter half of chapter three through chapter five, we see the wedding and the honeymoon night.

Now, weddings are fascinating. I’m convinced that the worst thing that’s ever happened to a marriage is a wedding. Think about all the money that goes into them! Ladies, no offense, but it’s a thirty-minute ceremony followed by a reception with some chicken, mixed veggies, and pilaf. You have a cake that nobody really wants to eat—nobody goes out for dinner and says, “I really want wedding cake for dessert tonight.”

But in our day, the guy finally showers (which is a bonus), and the bride has a dress she’ll wear once and mortgage her home to get. She’s been getting ready since 5:00 AM, sitting on a stool with tissues under her arms so she doesn’t break. They say “I do,” they go to the reception, and the guy keeps looking at his watch because he’s ready to go. Then they go on the honeymoon, come back, and we ask that awkward question: “So, how was the honeymoon?” And he just chuckles because he’s thinking, “It was fantastic. We had sex the whole time.”

Jewish weddings were a little different. Typically, the parents arranged the relationship with mutual consent. There was a “bride price” to demonstrate the worth of the bride and the groom’s ability to provide. Then came the wedding feast. It wasn’t a two-hour reception; it was a week or two of celebration! Everyone came—friends, family—and they’d barbecue and laugh.

In John chapter two, Jesus is at one of these feasts and they run out of wine. He turns water into wine—120 gallons of the good stuff. That’s a party! Eventually, the fathers would veil the bride, the marriage arrangement was read, and they would crush a glass underfoot. Then, the bride and groom would disappear into the bridal chamber to consummate the marriage while everyone else waited outside. Then the groom would come out with the sheets as proof of her virginity, everyone would cheer, and the party would continue for another seven days. Can you imagine doing that today? Ladies would lose their minds!

Deuteronomy 22:13-17 (NASB)

’If any man takes a wife and goes in to her and [then] turns against her, and charges her with shameful deeds and publicly defames her, and says, ‘I took this woman, [but] when I came near her, I did not find her a virgin,’ then the girl’s father and her mother shall take and bring out the [evidence] of the girl’s virginity to the elders of the city at the gate. ’The girl’s father shall say to the elders, ’I gave my daughter to this man for a wife, but he turned against her; and behold, he has charged her with shameful deeds, saying, ‘I did not find your daughter a virgin.’ But this is the evidence of my daughter’s virginity.’ And they shall spread the garment before the elders of the city.

A Glimpse into the Chamber

What you have in chapter four is like a webcam into the bridal chamber. We get to see these two on their wedding night. The man begins to speak, telling her how beautiful she is. He notes her eyes behind her veil and says her hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead. Now, guys, be careful with that one. Don’t just tell your wife her hair looks like goats. But in that context, goats were dark and beautiful; the imagery is of her hair flowing down, like a classic salon commercial.

He says her teeth are like newly shorn ewes, each bearing twins. That means she has all her teeth—which is a bonus—but it means more. What is the facial expression of a woman showing all her teeth? She is grinning from ear to ear. She is being undressed by her husband, and she isn’t ashamed or thinking this is “naughty.” She is delighted to finally be with her man. She has wanted this, and now the time has come.

He describes her lips like scarlet thread and her temples like pomegranates. She’s blushing. Who wouldn’t be a little flushed while being undressed on their honeymoon? He starts with her eyes and works his way down. He describes her neck like the Tower of David. Think about her posture—her head isn’t hung in shame. She is standing proud, noble, and honorable. He sees her as so esteemed that mighty men would hang their shields on her.

Then he speaks of her breasts being like two fawns. If you’re going to approach a deer, you can’t run through the forest like a madman. You have to be gentle and quiet. There is a tenderness about him here. This guy isn’t swinging out of the bathroom in a leopard-print speedo; he is approaching his wife with honor and gentleness.

The Oneness of Intimacy

In verse six, he says he will go to the “Mountain of Myrrh” and the “Hill of Frankincense.” He’s responding to her earlier invitation. You see this playful banter between them. This brings up an important point about marriage: a 50/50 marriage is a divorce waiting to happen. It needs to be all-in and all-in. When it comes to intimacy, Paul tells us that the wife’s body belongs to the husband and the husband’s body belongs to the wife.

1 Corinthians 7:4 (NASB)

The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband [does]; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife [does].

When you get married, you give yourself to that person. It becomes your privilege and responsibility to meet their physical needs in a give-give relationship, not a take-take one. Sin is selfish; godliness is selfless.

In verse seven, the woman is in the most vulnerable place she will ever be—naked before her husband for the first time. In our culture, that is a terrifying place to be because of the impossible standards we are compared against. But look at what he does: he breathes life into her. He says, “You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no blemish in you.”

Now, is she literally perfect? It doesn’t matter! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. He says, “I don’t care what anyone else thinks. You’re perfect to me.” He affirms her in her vulnerability.

In the following verses, he almost loses control. He’s just talking, caught up in the moment. He calls her to come away with him, to leave the world behind. Ladies, you need to recognize the power you have over your husband. He says, “You have made my heart beat faster with a single glance of your eyes.” There is a way you can look at that man—without saying a word—that will make him start stuttering. My wife can look at me in a way that no one else can. She has access to the depths of my soul. Sometimes I’m trying to teach the Bible and she looks at me, and I have to tell myself to focus!

He says her love is better than wine. This is a callback to the beginning of the book. The word used for love here is the Hebrew word doad. It refers to total physical, sexual consumption. It’s an erotic word.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 1:2]

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 4:10]

What’s great is that this doad—this passion—isn’t just for the honeymoon. In chapter seven, years later, after gravity has taken over and they’ve had kids, she says, “Let us go to the vineyards… there I will give you my love.”

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 7:12]

Your relationship can burn hotter and more intense year after year. It doesn’t have to fade.

The Garden Awakened

Finally, they begin to kiss. He says her lips drip honey and the fragrance of her garments is like Lebanon. You have to be pretty close to smell someone’s garments! They are intimate and together.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 4:11]

He uses garden imagery to describe her body. He calls her a “garden locked,” reflecting on her chastity and the fact that they hadn’t crossed boundaries before this moment. But then, the woman speaks. We haven’t heard her say anything yet; she’s just been smiling. Now she says something fantastic.

Previously, the man had warned, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it pleases.”

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 2:7]

But now, on the honeymoon, she says, “Awake, O north wind! Come, wind of the south! Make my garden breathe!” I’ve dared women to quote verse 16 to their husbands on the honeymoon night. I’m confident he’ll pass out right there. She says, “May my beloved come into his garden and eat its choice fruits.”

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 4:16]

That means exactly what you think it means. It is total, consuming passion with no boundaries and total permission to enjoy one another. Then, in chapter five, the man takes ownership. He says, “I have come into my garden… I have eaten… I have drunk.”

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 5:1]

They have consummated the marriage. And then, I believe we hear God speak. Someone says, “Eat, friends; drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers.”

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 5:1]

I think God looks at a relationship that went from attraction to dating to courtship to engagement and now to the fires of passion in the proper context, and He says, “That’s what I’m talking about! That is beautiful. I hope you enjoy yourselves for decades to come.”

Practical Observations

As we wrap up, I want to give you a few practical things to think about.

First, notice there is no mention of procreation here. There is an unbiblical concept that sex is only for making babies. Friend, read your Bible! God intends for a husband and wife to enjoy each other passionately. Proverbs says to let your wife’s breasts satisfy you all the time and be exhilarated with her love.

Proverbs 5:18-19 (NASB)

Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice in the wife of your youth. [As] a loving hind and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love.

Second, this kind of passion is earned, not just deserved. It’s a privilege. Intimacy is an overflow of what happens emotionally. Fellas, foreplay starts in the kitchen. It starts when you take out the trash, throw your clothes in the hamper, and help with the kids. You can’t sit on the couch while she does everything and then expect her to walk into the bedroom like a bobcat. It happens when you serve her.

Third, don’t use sex as a weapon. Paul cautions us not to deprive one another except for a short time for prayer, so that Satan doesn’t get a foothold.

1 Corinthians 7:5 (NASB)

Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

If a guy says something stupid and the wife shuts him off physically as punishment, he’s not “wooed” back—he’s just ticked. And you’re opening the door for the enemy. Be flexible. If she’s had a hard day, she might just need you to keep your hands off, let her take a bath, and let her wear her “leave me alone” sweats. Figure out what she needs.

Fourth, remember that the goal is oneness, not just the act. Single guys, you’ll find that sometimes you’ll be so emotionally fulfilled just snuggling with your wife that you won’t even need the act. You’ll just hold her and realize, “This is marriage. This is what it’s about.”

Finally, a word of caution: a healthy sex life does not solve a lust issue. Fellas, you will struggle with lust until the day you die. The problem isn’t what’s “out there”; the problem is the sinner in here. You have to learn to take every thought captive.

James 1:14 (NASB)

But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust.

A Prayer for Renewal

When we talk about sexuality, it brings up baggage and shame for many. If you’ve made dumb decisions in the past, remember: that’s why we have a Savior. Jesus came for the sick and the lost. That baggage has been paid for on the cross. Leave it there. If you need to repent to your spouse, do it today. Have the conversation: “Where are we lacking? How can I help our relationship?”

Let’s recognize that this issue is profoundly spiritual. How we handle our sexuality communicates what we think about God. Let’s pray.

Father, as we look at Your Word, it is almost embarrassingly clear how graphic this relationship is. Yet, we know You desire for us to pursue health in our sexuality. You created us with these passions. Give us the courage to honor You with our bodies and to repent where we have crossed boundaries. May we recognize that only in Christ can we live rightly and pursue true oneness. We turn to our Savior, who makes all things new. Allow us to walk in the newness of life and enjoy what You have set before us. For Your glory and honor, we pray in Christ’s name, Amen.