The Theology of Attraction: Wisdom from the Song of Solomon

The Song of Solomon, often referred to as the “Song of Songs,” stands as the superlative of Hebrew poetry. Tucked within the wisdom literature of the Old Testament, it offers a profound exploration of human love, attraction, and the divine design for intimacy. While some throughout church history have hesitated to engage with its candid descriptions of romantic passion, the book serves as a critical theological bridge between the physical and the spiritual. It asserts that human sexuality is not a base instinct to be ignored by the holy, but a gift to be stewarded according to the character of the Creator.

The Theological Foundation of Sexuality

To understand the nature of attraction, one must first look back to the origins of humanity. The biblical narrative establishes that men and women are created in the image of God. This divine likeness is expressed not only in individual existence but in the union of male and female. The joining of a husband and wife in a “one flesh” union is designed to reflect the very nature and relational unity of God.

Genesis 1:26-27 (NASB)

Then God said, ‘Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.’ God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

Genesis 2:24 (NASB)

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.

However, this divine image came under immediate attack. Following the entrance of sin into the world, the proper expression of sexuality was perverted. What God intended as a selfless, covenantal celebration became, in the hands of a fallen nature, a tool for indulgence and idolatry. The Apostle Paul later identifies sexual immorality as a form of idolatry because it replaces the worship of the Creator with the worship of one’s own desires. Therefore, a biblical understanding of attraction is not merely about physical preference; it is a matter of theology.

Colossians 3:5 (NASB)

Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry.

Moving Upstream: The Source of Attraction

Much of modern culture focuses on the symptoms of relational failure—divorce, infidelity, and the commodification of the human body. A theological approach to the Song of Solomon requires moving “upstream” to examine the very foundations of attraction. Rather than pursuing the cultural myth of finding a singular “soulmate” through chance, the scriptures emphasize the importance of seeking and becoming a specific type of person.

Sanctification is the primary will of God for the believer’s life, and this process extends into the realm of romantic longings. The goal is to learn how to possess one’s own vessel in honor, rather than being driven by the same lustful passions as those who do not know God. When attraction is rooted in character rather than mere impulse, it becomes a powerful apologetic for the gospel.

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 (NASB)

For this is the will of God, your sanctification; [that is], that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God;

The Fragrance of a Godly Name

In the opening verses of the Song of Solomon, the bride reflects on the character of her beloved. She notes that while his physical presence is pleasing, there is something far more profound that draws her to him: his name. In Hebrew thought, a name represents one’s reputation, character, and the very essence of their being. A good name is a treasure more valuable than great wealth.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 1:1-3]

Proverbs 22:1 (NASB)

A [good] name is to be more desired than great wealth, Favor is better than silver and gold.

The text compares the man’s name to “purified oil” or fragrance poured out. This metaphor refers to “first-pressed” oil—the highest quality of olive oil, which was historically reserved for lighting the lamps in the temple for worship. The implication is that a man’s character should be inextricably linked to his devotion to the Lord. A man worthy of attraction is one whose life is marked by the “fragrance” of holiness and whose reputation is respected by those around him. This type of respect is not the fickle popularity of the world, but the enduring honor that follows a life of integrity.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 1:4]

The Beauty of Internal Diligence

The bride in the Song describes herself as “dark but lovely.” In her cultural context, sun-darkened skin was a sign of labor and lower social standing, yet she possesses a beauty that transcends external aesthetics. She reveals that her appearance is the result of her diligence; she has been working in the vineyards of others, sometimes at the expense of her own.

[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 1:5-6]

This passage highlights two essential traits of a godly woman: submission to authority and a commitment to hard work. She is not a woman focused solely on the “outward adorning” of hair and jewelry, but one who cultivates the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. True biblical beauty is found in a woman who fears the Lord and is willing to labor faithfully in the spheres God has assigned to her.

1 Peter 3:3-4 (NASB)

Your adornment must not be [merely] external– braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but [let it be] the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.

Proverbs 31:30 (NASB)

Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, [But] a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.

The Peril of Superficiality

Attraction based solely on physical appearance is inherently unstable. Scripture warns that charm is deceitful and beauty is vain. There are three primary problems with a looks-based approach to relationships: looks do not last, looks can be deceiving, and looks are ultimately canceled out by a lack of character. A person may be physically stunning, but if they lack discretion, they are compared to a gold ring in the snout of a pig.

Proverbs 11:22 (NASB)

[As] a ring of gold in a swine’s snout [So is] a beautiful woman who lacks discretion.

A relationship built on the bait of physical allure will only attract those interested in the superficial. A godly individual will be drawn to that which is eternal. While physical chemistry is a gift from God to be enjoyed within marriage, it must never be the primary foundation. The character one possesses in a dating context is the character they will bring into a marriage; a lack of submission or a lack of godliness before the wedding will not be cured by the wedding itself.

Conclusion: Becoming the Right Person

The ultimate wisdom found in the opening of the Song of Solomon is a shift in focus. Rather than spending one’s life as a hunter stalking the “perfect” partner, the believer is called to focus on their own sanctification. The most significant gift one can offer a future spouse is a life transformed by the gospel.

By focusing on the internal work of the Holy Spirit, individuals become the “right type” of man or woman. When two people who have prioritized their relationship with God come together, their attraction is rooted in something that the world cannot offer and time cannot decay. A healthy relationship begins with the recognition that character is the true currency of love, and a name like purified oil is the greatest legacy one can build.