Attraction / Song of Solomon 1:1-6
It is so good to be with you here as we start this new series. To be honest with you, I’ve been waiting for this for a long, long time. If you have your Bibles, I’d like you to open them to the book of the Song of Solomon. If that title means nothing to you, remember the table of contents is your friend; you can find it tucked deep within the pages of Hebrew wisdom literature.
A Life-Changing Discovery
It was September 1991—which feels like a hundred years ago now. There was a pastor in a little, obscure church in Denton, Texas, about thirty-five minutes north of Dallas, named Tommy Nelson. He started teaching through the Song of Solomon and they recorded the series on tape. Little did he know when he taught it that those tapes would change my life.
In 1993, shortly after that series was taught, I came to faith and started my journey with Christ. At that time, my life was shredded by bad relationships. I was manipulative and selfish; I was probably an undiagnosed relational addict who always had to have a girlfriend. Most of those relationships were incredibly indulgent and grossly sexually immoral. But then I came to faith, and God began to change my heart.
A dear friend of mine, Scott Workman, bought that tape series from Tommy Nelson and told me, “You need to listen to this.” He probably said that because I was dating his daughter and he wanted to see if the Word of God could adjust my perspective on relationships. I put those tapes in my player and I studied, I cried, I repented, and I mourned. My mind and heart were completely blown. I had never heard anything like it. Nobody had ever explained to me how to do a relationship right. Nobody had ever walked me through God’s intent for marital love and romance. That series completely wrecked me.
I ended up moving to Denton and was mentored by that pastor for many years. He eventually began teaching the Song of Solomon to adults all over the country—over 20,000 people a year. The number one thing he heard from parents was, “I wish I would have heard this earlier.” For some folks, by the time you hear the Song of Solomon, you think, “Buddy, you’re about three decades too late.”
So he asked me to start going around the country to teach it to high school kids. He’d teach the adults, and I’d follow on his heels to teach the students about attraction, dating, courtship, and sexuality. Next to the work of the Gospel itself, there is no single biblical book that has impacted me more than the pages we’re about to study. If you lean into this series, I promise you it will encourage you and it will wreck you. It will redefine the way you consider relationships, regardless of your season of life.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 1:1]
Why This Book, Why Now?
Why is this such a critical book for us today? First, the Bible communicates that we are created in the image of God. We were created to rule, and we were created as male and female to be joined together. In our union of husband and wife, we more accurately reflect the very image of God.
Genesis 1:26-27 (NASB)
Then God said, ‘Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.’ God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.
Genesis 2:24 (NASB)
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.
But that image came under attack almost immediately. In Genesis 3, sin entered the world. Satan went after Adam and Eve and led them into indulgence, compromising God’s design for sexuality. Hugh Hefner did not give you the gift of sexuality; God did. It was designed to be used in the proper context—a man and a woman for life, enjoying and imbibing deeply of sexual love. Satan perverts that. It is interesting that in Colossians, the Apostle Paul equates sexual immorality to idolatry. When we reject God’s design to pursue our own desires, we make God an option and our desires ultimate. That is idolatry.
Colossians 3:5 (NASB)
Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry.
Second, the intensity of human longing is powerful. If you’ve ever been around young single people, the passion and desire are palpable. Some assume that God, in His holiness, just avoids that subject—as if He gave us these desires and then said, “You guys figure that out; I’ll stay here with the holy things.” But we know that all Scripture is profitable for training in righteousness. God has a lot to say about our sexuality. In fact, there is only one time in the New American Standard translation where the Bible explicitly says, “This is the will of God.”
1 Thessalonians 4:3 (NASB)
For this is the will of God, your sanctification; [that is], that you abstain from sexual immorality;
The assumption is that those of us under the authority of Jesus learn how to possess our passions in a way that honors God. Our sexuality is a huge apologetic for the Gospel. When the world lives in the indulgence of the flesh, the Gospel redeems us and shows the power of the Holy Spirit to tame our desires.
Finally, we live in a culture dominated by a ten-billion-dollar pornography industry. We live in a “hookup culture” where commitment is sidelined for “friends with benefits” or “Netflix and chill.” Inside the church, the divorce rate is nearly fifty percent, mirroring the world. If the home is the primary source of spiritual formation and half of those homes are breaking, we are having a hard time communicating the faithfulness of God to the next generation. We need this book because we have lost the voice of the home.
The Upstream Approach
The Song of Solomon—or the “Song of Songs,” meaning the most superlative of songs—is not a random collection of poems. It walks through the flow of a relationship: attraction, dating, courtship, sexuality, and even the first fight after the honeymoon. It’s the only book in the Bible that has been historically censored by both Jewish and Christian communities because it’s so raw and honest.
Some people struggle with the author. Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines. You might ask, “What qualification does he have to speak on romance and fidelity?” But is there any biblical author whose moral perfection is what qualifies them? Moses was a murderer. David was a murderer and an adulterer. Moral qualifications don’t give the author credibility; God gives the Word credibility. As they say in the South, God has a unique way of hitting a straight lick with a crooked stick.
This book offers what I call an “upstream approach.” We spend a lot of time dealing with symptoms—divorce recovery, crisis counseling, and no-fault divorce policies. But what if we went upstream? What if we changed the reason we were attracted to someone in the first place? What if we brought the Scriptures to bear on the very beginning of the relationship?
The Right Type of Man: A Name Like Purified Oil
Part of our confusion is the “romantic comedy” notion that there is only one “Mr. Right” or “Miss Right” out there, and if you blink, you might miss your soulmate. I don’t think it’s about finding the one person; it’s about finding the right type of person. Let’s look at how the woman in this story describes the man she is attracted to.
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 1:2-4]
She starts with chemistry—his love is intoxicating. But in verse three, she sees something deeper. She mentions his “oils,” which is like old-school deodorant. He smells good, sure, but then she says his name is like purified oil. In Hebrew, “name” refers to reputation, character, and fame. Solomon would later write that a good name is better than precious ointment.
Ecclesiastes 7:1 (NASB)
A good name is better than a good ointment, And the day of [one’s] death is better than the day of one’s birth.
Proverbs 22:1 (NASB)
A [good] name is to be more desired than great wealth, Favor is better than silver and gold.
She describes his name as “purified oil” or “first-pressed oil.” This was the most expensive, highest-quality oil, used for the lamps in the Temple. She is saying, “When I think of this man’s reputation, I think of worship. He is a godly man.” He isn’t just popular; he is respected. Even the other maidens love him “rightly.”
Ladies, if you want a guy like that, you have to go where the godly guys are. Don’t be surprised if you can’t find a guy whose name is like purified oil while you’re out clubbing. You’re in the wrong stable. You have to do your research. Stalk him online—and I mean that seriously! If his social media is nothing but selfies, the world revolves around him and there won’t be room for you in his orbit. Ask around. Does he have a pastor? Is he in a small group? Does he serve?
Most importantly, make sure he walks with God without you. I see so many “missionary daters” who think they can influence a guy into the kingdom. They find the one success story in a thousand and ignore the hundreds of others who end up in my office crying because they played Russian roulette with their hearts. If he only goes to church because you bring him, he won’t lead you spiritually in marriage. The only thing worse than being single wishing you were married is being married wishing you were single.
And fellas, invest in your name. It doesn’t matter if your fantasy football team is great if your moral life is a wreck. You won’t develop a good name in a day, but you develop it daily through small, moment-by-moment decisions.
The Right Type of Woman: Black but Lovely
Now look at how the woman describes herself. She says she is “black but lovely.”
[SCRIPTURE: Song of Solomon 1:5-6]
In that culture, dark skin was a sign of poverty because it meant you had to work outside in the sun. She explains that her brothers were angry with her and made her work the vineyards, so she couldn’t take care of her “own vineyard”—meaning her own body and appearance.
We see two vital traits here. First, she is submissive to authority. She did what her brothers asked. Fellas, you can buy a girl the biggest diamond in the world, but it won’t change her character. If she won’t respect her father or her boss now, she won’t respect you later. Second, she is a hard worker. She isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty. Real beauty is an imperishable quality.
1 Peter 3:3-4 (NASB)
Your adornment must not be [merely] external– braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but [let it be] the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.
Ephesians 5:22 (NASB)
Wives, [be subject] to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
1 Peter 3:1-2 (NASB)
In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any [of them] are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.
Ladies, you are in a difficult spot. Culture bombards you with professional beauty that is Photoshopped and curated. But remember: you catch what your bait attracts. If you lead with your body as bait, you’ll catch someone, but a godly man will eventually run the other way because he’s looking for depth.
There are three problems with looks-based attraction: looks don’t last, looks can be deceiving, and looks are always canceled out by character.
Proverbs 31:30 (NASB)
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, [But] a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
Proverbs 11:22 (NASB)
[As] a ring of gold in a swine’s snout [So is] a beautiful woman who lacks discretion.
Becoming the Right Person
So, where should you spend your time? Should you spend it hunting for the right type of person? No. You should spend it becoming the right type of person. One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is to trust God enough to draw a circle around yourself and ask Him to change everything inside that circle to be more like Him.
I worked with my wife, Z, for three years in ministry before I realized, “Wait, I’m an idiot. She’s fantastic.” I wasn’t stalking her; we were both just busy serving God. Twenty years later, we are still laughing.
Don’t be a hunter stalking prey. Focus on your own heart. Allow the Spirit of God to change you by His grace. When you become the right type of person, you can trust God with the rest.
Father, we thank You for these practical cautions. Help us to recognize that the most desirable bait is not who we are on the outside, but who You are making us to be on the inside. May the Gospel continue its work in us so that our affections and desires would be Yours. We thank You in Jesus’ name, Amen.